It’s getting very close to the big day and many women may have already bought their husband/boyfriend what they think he wants. Guess what? You’re probably wrong! Dodge the Christmas landmines and miserable festives with the list below. Remember it’s Christmas. Don’t feel the pinch in the purse. Go mad. You’ll reap the benefits for the next 365 days and you know it!

1. Apple 17″ Macbook Pro
A little over ten years ago, a friend of mine converted me to Mac. Within weeks I was an addict. They are quite simply super computers. Since being in Dubai I have “converted” pretty much all of the Dubai 92 workforce to using them and many friends. Some try to fight it but sooner or later everyone takes the plunge. As the saying goes, once you’ve tried Mac…

Where to begin? Well, there’s the coolness factor. Pulling out a MacBook Pro in a meeting or hip cafe is like reverse-parking a Ferrari in Spinneys. Also, everybody knows that inches matter to a man. The 17″ MacBook Pro has a widescreen that is probably bigger than the first TV your man every owned.

Of course there is a downside. Once you set your man off on ‘the road to Mac’, it can be an expensive journey. They do bring out a lot of new, shiny stuff, which I can guarantee he will find reasons for needing.

2. Sony PS3 with Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Sometime in the 90s, probably around the advent of the original Plastation, it became okay for adults, especially men, to have a games console in the living room. I remember getting mine and tentatively plugging it in, all the while wondering if my then girlfriend would moan that it upset her carefully chosen colour-scheme.

These days it seems every living room has one and the Sony PS3 still stands out as the best. It has the Blu-Ray DVD play, so you can replace (i.e. get rid of) the clunky, silver DVD player that he barely ever uses anyway.

To keep him quiet from Christmas until sometime around May, get him Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. It’s basically a shooting game. He was never in the army or marines but if you’ve ever seen him paintballing or shooting laser-guns on an office team-building event, you’ll know that somewhere within lies the primal urge to shoot stuff. This game will satisfy that urge. Get his some headphones, too. The noises this game makes will annoy you as much as you talking on the phone to your best friend who you only saw two minutes ago annoys him.

3. World Cup Tickets
I am not a football fan in the slightest but three years ago I was fortunate enough to take several Dubai 92 listeners to the World Cup Finals in Germany. It was one of the best experiences of my life. The match I was at saw my home team, England, crash out of the World Cup on penalties. It was heart-breaking. That said, I have been dining on the anecdotes ever since. The atmosphere is electric, the camaraderie between nations is fabulous and, even though I’m not a fan, for me it’s the best sporting event on the calendar.

Of course it’ll be expensive. I’m already trying to work on getting the station to send me again because there’s no way I can wangle the loot out my joint bank account without promising my wife unlimited new boots and shoes for five years. Although, if you think it through, you could probably finagle a great holiday to South Africa out of it, whilst all the while looking like you want to give the man in your life his dream come true. It’s the classic long-con.

4. DVD Box sets
This is pretty standard but deserves to be on the list because there are pitfalls and you don’t want to be seeing his disappointed face when the wrapping paper comes off on Christmas morning. Here are some points on what you should and shuldn’t be getting him…

Get: The Wire, The Sopranos, The James Bond Collection, The Die Hard Quadrilogy, The Michael Caine Collection, probably Top Gear (although if I got that it’s be on Spinney’s noticeboard quicker than an annoying cat), Planet Earth, Michael Palin’s Travel Collection, Blackadder, Lord of the Rings, Rocky, 24, Lost, Family Guy, cars, explosions, fighting, spaceships, etc.

Don’t Get: Friends, Sex and the City, Last of the Summer Wine, Harry Potter, Grey’s Anatomy, Gavin and Stacey, Ghost Whisperer, Pretty Woman, The Patrick Swayze Collection, anything starring Jennifer Aniston, romance, period dramas, movies where a sister or child dies, etc. Basically stuff you probably want to get cozy and watch.

5. Big TV
Do I need to explain this one? Every household has had the argument. Given the freedom, men would kill there first-born to have a 106″ plasma. No question about it.

Let me tell you something… If your husband unwraps anything above 50″ with the words ‘Panasonic’ or ‘Sony’ on it this Christmas, he will be a very happy, very obedient man for some time to come. And don’t kid yourself that you won’t watch just as much telly has he does, because you do.

6. La-Z-Boy
The La-Z-Boy reclining, all-whistles-and-bells, Captain Kirk, king-of-my-domain chairs are every man’s dream. It’s like sitting on a electric cloud with a fridge. If your other half hasn’t told you he wants one it’s normally because he knows he’s got no chance whatsoever of getting it. Why? Because the La-Z-Boy goes with absolutely no other furniture or decor on earth. It’s like putting Jeremy Clarkson at a Barbra Streisand concert.

Women hate La-Z-Boy chairs because they’re, for the most part, like men. Big, static, ugly, lumpy and useless at practically everything. Men love them because they have everything within reach. Fridge, phone, internet, cup holders, foot rests, power points, machine gun turrets… And comfort.

(Here’s a little secret for you. He doesn’t actually want one and he knows it’s really stupid. Plus he’ll regret that the money wasn’t spent on something else on this list. Getting one is just something primeval. I can’t explain it.)

7. iPhone 3Gs (ideally with an Elite Plan)
This one is, admittedly, a little contentious. The iPhone has always had it’s lovers (everyone who’s had one) and haters (those who can’t afford them). I’ve had every generation of iPhone, as well as being sent freebies of every other smartphone, cleverphone, geniusphone on the market. None have compared. It’s all in the apps (applications… Keep up).

If you get your husband and iPhone, he may spend Christmas Day moaning. He may moan for a couple of days that he can’t use it. Sooner or later, though, the penny will drop and he will suddenly start whipping it out more than a perv in a playground, extolling the virtues of it, showing you the pulsing blue dot on a map right where you’re standing, showing you (most of) the videos he’s downloaded and much more.

Plus there’s a benefit to you, too. There is no way on earth that, come mid-January, if you start bleating about how you wish you had one, he won’t go out and get you one. Everyone’s a winner.

8. Leatherman
If you’ve every seen a man walk past a Leatherman display cabinet in a sports store, you’ll understand this one already. I don’t have one but there’s this niggling bit of me that thinks I need one. I have done exactly zero DIY in four years, neither have I had to open a can in the desert or file something down in a hurry.

I guess the Leatherman is just the Laz-E-Boy of pocket gadgets. It’s probably really hand if you’re a mechanic who forgets his toolbox or a mercenary with long finger nails. It’ll sit on or in your husband’s desk or in the car and he’ll probably never use it but he will not be disappointed when he opens it on Christmas morning. I promise. Just never let him catch you using it for anything not-manly, i.e. Gardening, bush-trimming, lipstick renovation, etc.

9. Guitar Hero World Tour
GHWT is one of those gifts that you buy for him but you’re really buying for him, you, the kids, the neighbours, friends, dinner parties and any occasion that needs a boost. It’s really simple to play, really good fun and turns his long-forgotten dreams of being the next Jimi Hendrix back to reality.

When we got this last year, we had fancy dress parties, rock nights and several great nights with it. Activision are constantly bringing out out new versions with more songs (the latest, “Band Hero” is very, ahem, family friendly… A bit lacking in the ROCK). Just be safe in the knowledge that, despite that lack of female-targetted graphics above, this game has been thoroughly enjoyed by every woman I know.

10. A Posh Watch
Men love watches. If men were Gollum, watches would be the ‘precious’. Watches are a car on a man’s wrist. It’s one of the ways other men judge him. You cannot go wrong with a watch. In fact, if you’ve been with your man for more than a month and you don’t know exactly what his top three dream watches would be, you’re an awful, selfish woman.

Every man I every speak to knows his dream watch. It’s never a boring conversation between men. Why? Because every cool man in history has a cool watch. The epitome of this is James Bond with his Omega. Beautiful, classic and expensive. Me, I’ve always wanted a vintage Rolex. Not a big, flashy bling, one. An old-fashion white face with a brown leather strap. The kind of watch that says old money, culture, class and taste. All the things I do not have.

If you’re struggling with this one, take your husband to the mall and walk slowly down the part with the watch shops. He will immediately gravitate to the exact watches he wants because guess what? This is exactly where he hangs out when you’re in the bloody shoe shop!

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So, there it is. I would love to hear from you if you don’t agree or if you think there’s anything I missed. Comment below. Happy Christmas ladies (and fellas… No need to thank me!)