Yesterday I admitted to hiring local sorters JIM WILL FIX IT round at his my DJ Castle, putting up curtains, wiring-in light fittings, plumbing-in the washing machine and showing mr how to turn on the hot water and work the AC. I mentioned this on my Facebook status update and within no time I was being informed that I had lost my MAN CARD.

Now, until I got these messages, I didn’t even know about the existence of the MAN CARD. Not only have I not got one, I didn’t even get the application form. I was especially miffed at not getting a copy of the rules. Y’know? The dos and don’ts of retaining a MAN CARD. After much searching and research, I found out that no such rule book exists and us men are supposed to do it on instinct alone.

Well, that’s just not good enough for me. I need the rules. I need direction. I need help. So (with the help of our listeners this morning), we have collated the definitive guide to keeping hold of your MAN CARD. Read it, digest it then never admitted you actually saw it…

MAN CARD RULES

1. Never admit that you “don’t feel up for it” (Paul)
2. Buy gadgets like a big TV & great stereo but don’t go overboard or you become a geek, not a man (Richard)
3. Make sure women know you’re in charge, even if you don’t know what you’re doing (Rick)
4. You can watch made-for-girls TV (Sex & the City, Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, etc) but never EVER admit it
5. Never openly express emotion unless (a) your team wins or loses or (b) something happens to your car
6. Even if it was your fault, never apologise. “Sorry” is a sign of weakness… They’ll pounce on that (Shane… Verbatim!)
7. If you ever see another man being hit in Family Jewels, you must cringe, feel his pain and make the OOHH noise
8. You must attempt one extremely difficult home DIY per year but never finish it or you lose it (James)
9. Watch old MAN FILMS (Rocky, Rambo, Die Hard, Raw Deal) instead of TV (Rick)
10. Build stuff from IKEA without instructions (Dave)
11. If it’s your turn to cook (which you should avoid at all costs), do it on the barbecue
12. Whenever another man is within talking distance of your house, offer him a drink
13. Indulge in unauthorised spending on video games (Matt)
14. Never wear pink clothes or Crocs (Mike)
15. When you apologise, always follow it with “but” (Geordiebird)
16. In the kitchen, have a drawer for man stuff (Keith)
17. If your TV package has sports channels, they should be all you watch. Never watch BBC Lifestyle (Jemma)
18. Have a huge toolbox(!) and know exactly what all the tools are for (Fiona)
19. If three urinals are empty, never use the middle one (Leon)
20. Don’t go “Dubai”… Wash your own car, tend to your own garden, etc (Kate)
21. Know how cars work inside and out (Fiona)
22. Never watch ANY dancing show… Ballroom, ice, etc. (Matt)
23. Unless you’re in the Tour de France, you should not wear or even own Lycra (Matt)
24. Ditto Speedos – They’re basically a bikini bottoms (Matt)
25. Never admit to not really knowing how to drive off-road, cook steak or balance surround sound speakers
26. Have no limit on how long you’ll wear the same pants for, or wear none (Jay)
27. Never carry or look inside a woman’s handbag (Marie)
28. Unless you’re out of the country, don’t let the wife touch the barbecue (Alex)
29. Unless you’re competing in professional races on your bike, never shave your legs
30. Never ask for directions, even in life or death situations (Cathy)
31. Never hold in bodily functions like belching and farting (Eric)
32. When you do fart, smell it and enjoy it (Michelle)
33. Play squash – The men-only game (Vas)
34. Don’t carry a man-bag, carry a chunky, over-stuffed wallet in your back pocket (MK)
35. Never forget that the TV remote control is yours and yours alone
36. Never talk in a baby voice to the kids but you can with your pets
37. Never wear shorts on a plane (Tony)
38. If you see a woman struggling to carry something, only help if there’s no-one else around
39. If you see a woman struggling to carry something and you’re with another man, shake your head and roll your eyes
40. Always acknowledge who let you cut into traffic (Laura)
41. The Hummer H1 is worth two MAN CARDS, the H2 is worth one MAN CARD, the H3 is an embarrassment (Vas)
42. Avoid conversing with the Mother-in-Law and never be nice to her (Theresa)
43. Never acknowledge noticing your wife’s weight-loss or new hair-do (Theresa)
44. Never remember important relationship dates, i.e. anniversaries, birthdays, etc (Theresa)
45. The washing machine may be electrical but it’s not a gadget, so don’t learn to use it
46. If a ball comes to you on the beach or in the park, flick i up and volley it back
47. Have copies of man-mags in the downstairs loo… Esquire, GQ, FHM, etc.
48. No matter how you feel inside, never act scared of creepy-crawlies, heights or tight spaces (Guido)
49. After walking round the car showroom with your wife and asking what she wants in a family car, buy the one you want anyway (Lubna)
50. Own three pairs of shoes… One brown, one black and one white for playing cricket (Lockers)

And here’s a pearl of wisdom from listener, Doug… “Single men have about twenty MAN CARDS but as soon as you get married, your wife takes them all and it’s up to her when you get to use them. Basically you swap your MAN CARD for your wedding ring”. Genius!